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Friday Funnies [12-11-04]
12 Nov 04, 01:20 PM,
#1
 

You gotta love this guy..... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.................................$ 3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui.............................$ 8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.
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12 Nov 04, 03:30 PM,
#2
 
You know Ross, I think I heard that the bride was Al Gore's daughter. Tongue

(if you don't get it, I ain't saying) Tongue

:ph34r:
The commander must be at constant pains to keep his troops abreast of all the latest tactical experience and developments, and must insist on their practical application. - Erwin Rommel
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12 Nov 04, 03:46 PM,
#3
 
Oh, pwetty pwease tell?
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12 Nov 04, 07:22 PM,
#4
 
crudmuffin,Nov 12 2004, 03:46 PM Wrote:Oh, pwetty pwease tell?
I think he's saying that the joke is as old as the Internet itself Tongue

http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarras/bothered.htm
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7 Feb 05, 08:33 PM,
#5
 
Real Quotes From GWB


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
...Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
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7 Feb 05, 08:37 PM,
#6
 
Drunk Irish

Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...

The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!"

Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.

The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"

Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.

Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."

Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
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7 Feb 05, 08:40 PM,
#7
 
Have a nice stay

A Newfoundlander and his wife are traveling by car to Toronto. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The Newfoundlander explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Newfoundlander insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the Newfoundlander and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the Newfoundlander and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the Newfoundlander replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The manager is unmoved and eventually the Newfoundlander gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, "this is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the Newfoundlander. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
''But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well," the Newfoundlander replies, "She was here, and you could have!"
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7 Feb 05, 08:41 PM,
#8
 
Good Morals

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife."

"She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed
the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking!"
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7 Feb 05, 08:43 PM,
#9
 
It Figures

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday night
destroyed the personal library of President George W.
Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
A presidential spokesman said that the president was
devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
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7 Feb 05, 08:44 PM,
#10
 
Blondie

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
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7 Feb 05, 08:46 PM,
#11
 
Its True

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
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7 Feb 05, 09:44 PM,
#12
 
wordploy

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to
take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas
from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person
who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only
things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they
come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom
at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit
you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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23 Feb 05, 08:01 AM,
#13
 
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."
Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"
Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed," 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless
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